What to do when your daughter doesn't like part of her body- a personal experience.

So both of my older daughters last week at different times while picking out what they were going to wear for school the next day have announced they didn't want to wear a particular outfit because they didn't like their legs.  I don't know where this came from, because for one I love my own legs so they have never heard me complain about mine.  And for two both of them are skinny.  My oldest is a head taller than all the other kids her age and skinny, while my 8 year old is short but very skinny.  I told them both that there is nothing wrong with their legs and their legs are beautiful.  When I asked what they didn't like about them they just giggled and said they didn't know they just didn't like them.  To me this says that they know its a little goofy to feel that way but at the moment that is how they felt.  But then a few weeks later they are wearing those outfits again.  I guess that just goes to show how quickly a young girls self image and opinions can change.

Promoting positive self image: the place to start is with you

Self image can effect many things in a child's life.  A negative self image can effect a child's self esteem, academics, and social life.  It is important as parents and care givers  to promote a positive self image for our young girls.  The first step is always talking with your child to see where they stand on their own self image and talking often, because self image can change multiple times in their lifetime.  Having an open communication system in which your child feels comfortable to come to you with any issues, doubts, or questions.  Being open minded and not criticising the child when they are communicating openly. It is also important to evaluate your own self image, because it is most important to lead by example.  If as a mother you are constantly fasting and dieting, most likely your child will follow the example and assume that your family doesn't fit the "ideal body image."  Some questions to ask yourself:

1. Are you dissatisfied with your shape, size, and weight? Do you talk about this?
2. Are you always on, or going on, a diet?
3. Do you express guilt when you eat certain foods?
4. Do you make negative comments about the way other people look?

My personal experience with my own girls is that they really want to talk to us parents.  My daughters are ages 2, 8, and 10 and just love to talk to me.  They get all giggly and gossip.  By me just listening I get a real feel for how they view themselves and how they believe their friends and classmates view them.  Becasue we all know that children highly value their peers opinions, even if they are bad opinions.  My ten year old is a social butterfly and gets along well with others.  She is tall for her age and thin with a love to run and talk.  She fits in well with others and feels that she does so as well.  My eight year old is a lot more reserved.  She is short and thin.  Less of a socail bug, she still feels the need to fit in although she struggles more with it because she is so quiet and soft spoken.  Both still have good self image and esteem, but that could change in a heart beat.  I attempt to be a positive influence by taking care of myself.  I exercise, attempt to eat healthy...and I do mean attempt because I am a sucker for sweets.  But we regularly have fruit and veggies in the house and monitor the junk snacks.  I dress for my body and I always make an attempt to point out girls and women of all shapes, sizes, color, and ages that dress nicely, are pretty, are smart, caring, loyal, honest, friendly, or any other positive aspect of a person.  I believe that self image isn't just about the body but who we are as a person, the whole person.  We value the mind and heart, which is something that Western media seems to forget.  I try to teach my kids to look at the person with in not just their outside, and I always try to do the same.

Tips for promoting a positive body image in your child
(source: aboutkidshealth.ca)

1. Place less emphasis on your child’s appearance and more on their abilities and skills.
2. Be a role model by accepting your body and maintaining a positive attitude towards food and exercise.
3. Make time for family meals and enjoy the time spent together.
4. Be mindful of the comments you make about your or other people’s bodies.
5. Encourage your child to think critically about messages and images they see and hear in the media.
6. Help your child understand that their body will change, especially throughout puberty.
7. Promote activities that make your child feel good about themselves and that don’t focus on their appearance.
8. Teach your child that it is OK to show emotions such as sadness, anger, and frustration.

Creative Communications: best way to know how your child views their self image

All parents want to communicate with their children in the best way possible.  But unfortunately most of us fall short of accomplishing such tasks without feeling like we are prying or getting no where.  In my own experience as a child it seemed like my parents would always just drill me with millions of questions and didn't seem like they really cared but were being nosey and if I didn't give them the answer they wanted a lecture could be next.  As an adult now and a mother, I now see that they meant well but still didn't accomplish much.  I hid most of what was important to me and how I felt about my relationships around me and how I felt about myself.  So I attempt to a different approach with my own children.  I am no professional, but perhaps these ideas can help others and I would love to hear others ideas and experiences as well.  As mothers, sometimes sharing these ideas and experiences can be the strongest voice we have, to be heard together rather than individually.

The more creative we get with communicating with our children, the less it feels like a chore to both sides of the conversation and the more willing the information comes out.  My daughters have recently started cheerleading for the first time in their lives and they love it.  I take the oppertunity of all the excitment after practice on the drive home to ask about how their days were and about their friends.  They start babbling on and on about different stories and giggle and feed off of each others stories.  I rather enjoy it.  It reminds me of when I was a little girl.  I try to do more listening than talking, only adding in when needed.  This last drive home from practice I found out that my oldest has a boy in her class that apparently smells like pee everyday.  Now whether that is true or not, I am not sure.  But she says many other kids don't like him because of this.  I took this oppertunity to let both my girls know that its not nice to tease or not like someone because of the way he smells, that sometimes people can not help this due to personnal body chemistry or family issues.  Of course my daughters say they don't and I believe them because we talk about these things often.  When I was in high school, I got the oppertunity to work with the special needs students and fell in love.  I have learned that you can never judge another person, because you never know their whole story.  Therefore, I attempt to pass this on to my own children. 

I have come up with some of my own ideas of creative communication and activities to open conversations.  I would love to hear some other ideas from others as well.

Creative Communications:

• Girls day out- Have a girls day out (or in) is always a good way to get the chatter going.  Going to get the nails done, hair, shopping, or even just lunch is always fun.  Sometimes girls find it easier to talk to mom without dad around, sometimes it just the fact that you are sharing something fun together that most girls love to do.  In this economy it is not always in the funds to do such an outing, so make a girls night in with  home-made facials, nail painting, girly movies, smoothies, ect.  Use your creativity.  Pinterest is full of ideas, use it to your advantage.
• Photoshoot- make your own home photoshoot.  Even as adults and big girls, we love dressing up in our best outfits and heels.  Play dress-up, take pictures of each other.  Be silly and have fun.  Then as you take pictures you can point out how pretty they are and how cute their pose is without them feeling like its just mom saying it.  Plus it helps you to see what they think is cute and pretty.  If they start coming up in unappropriate clothing, you now know you need to have another conversation about what is appropriate for their age.
• Walks-taking nightly walks is a great idea.  Not only is it good exercise, but the cell phones are put up and it leaves nothing but time to talk.  If your schedule isn't open to nightly walks, 2-3 days a week is better then nothing.  If you prefer bike rides, then do bike rides.  Just make sure to turn off cell phones and ipods.
• Joining a group together- There are many groups that mother and daughters can join together.  There are the girl scouts.  Me and my daughters have done it.  It wasn't right for us, but could be a good fit for others.  A self defense course is a terrific idea...I plan on doing this very soon.  Not only do we get to do something together, but will give me peace of mind that they know how to protect themselves.  Volunteering together is another idea I am hoping to do soon as well.  Nothing makes you feel better than knowing you have done something good to help someone or something in need.  Whether it be helping animals, homeless, or other children...it still fulfills the same feeling.  If you both enjoy art, take an art class.  There are so many options.  Ask your daughter what she would like to do and alternate taking turns on activities that interest both of you.
• Cooking- cooking a special meal together for the rest of the family not only teaches life skills, but leaves time for talking.  Or baking dessert.  My favorite I do every year with my kids is Christmas cookies.  We spend all day baking and decorating cookies and then we save some for us and distribute the rest to family, friends, and neighbors.  Its a great feeling to have them help and to see the appreciation from others.  They love it.

There are so many more things out there that you can do to have time for communication without it feeling forced.  I would love to hear others ideas.  Please feel free to share.

Toolkit & Resources for The Dove® Movement for Self-Esteem

This is an awsome and inspirational movement that Dove is making.  I am proud to see a company use their success and the media to promote such a positive movement.  It is a step in the right direction.
Toolkit & Resources for The Dove® Movement for Self-Esteem

Seek help for eating disorders and depression

Seek Help

If you feel like you have a child or know someone else who is suffering from negative self image and you think could suffer from either eating disorders or depression due to it, please seek help from a professional and/or doctors.  If you need info on such things I have provided a few links below.

The National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, Inc
http://www.anad.org/get-information/

Signs and Symptoms of depression
Helpguide.org

Signs of Low self esteem in children

Intro: Western Society's affect on our women and children's self image.

In today's Western society woman and children are bombarded by what the media feels is the ideal woman image.  These images are on the television, billboards, magazines, and everything in between.  Insisting that beauty is a tall and slender 5'8" and 110 pounds model who has professionals give her the perfect hair, make-up, and clothes.  Which is not ideal for the average woman.  In fact the average woman doesn't have professionals to do her hair and makeup on a daily basis and the average adult woman weighs 165 lbs. and is 5'4" with a waist measurement of 37 inches (source: http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/bodymeas.htm).  This is far more than the images we view everyday through the media.

Images such as the above bring many of our daughters and other young girls to believe that this is what they have to look like to be beautiful.  Here are some of the scary statistics:
The body type portrayed in advertising as the ideal is possessed naturally by only 5% of American females.3

• 47% of girls in 5th-12th grade reported wanting to lose weight because of magazine pictures.12
• 69% of girls in 5th-12th grade reported that magazine pictures influenced their idea of a perfect body shape.13
• 42% of 1st-3rd grade girls want to be thinner (Collins, 1991).
• 81% of 10 year olds are afraid of being fat (Mellin et al., 1991).
• 95% of those who have eating disorders are between the ages of 12 and 25.8
• Over one-half of teenage girls and nearly one-third of teenage boys use unhealthy weight control behaviors such as skipping meals, fasting, smoking cigarettes, vomiting, and taking laxatives.
• In a survey of 185 female students on a college campus, 58% felt pressure to be a certain weight, and of the 83% that dieted for weight loss, 44% were of normal weight.
  Sources: http://www.anad.org/get-information/about-eating-disorders/eating-disorders-statistics/  Collins, M.E. (1991). Body figure perceptions and preferences among pre-adolescent children. International Journal of Eating Disorders, 199-208.
  Mellin, L., McNutt, S., Hu, Y., Schreiber, G.B., Crawford, P., & Obarzanek, E. (1991). A longitudinal study of the dietary practices of black and white girls 9 and 10 years old at enrollment: The NHLBI growth and health study. Journal of Adolescent Health, 23-37.
• Metropolitan State College of Denver is uncovered a higher risk of depression in females with negative self body images due to society's "ideal body image." Source:http://www.mscd.edu/~psychjrn/Vol.1.Issue1/Vol1.Issue1.Hamilton.pdf

These statistics are scary which is why we all must be part of changing the "ideal body image" as well as being positive influences on our youth and promote positive self images for our children.  Where do we begin?  How do we be successful?  That is what this blog is all about.